you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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