Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
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Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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