the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
