Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
