Plan B is the new Plan A
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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