Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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