Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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