She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
