just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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