Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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