I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
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WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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