I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
