Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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