my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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