My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In America we eat man semen.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
