just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
