I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
