i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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