I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
