Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
