my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
