im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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