Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have fence marks all over my body
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
