I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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