you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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