It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
