i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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