So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
