covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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