i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
