its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
