Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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