i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
