And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
