He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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