I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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