another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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