Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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