I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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