Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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