just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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