Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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