Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
