at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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