i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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