Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
