Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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