Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
