mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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