Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
