Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
