The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
