Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
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If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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