she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
