I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
