just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
