You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
