I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
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i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
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This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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