She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
