no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
