It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
