Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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